Lifestyle

His/Her story: “My husband doesn’t let me wear dresses, skirts & red lipstick” – Times of India

Her story: I like wearing dresses and midi skirts but my husband discourages me as he is a bit conservative. We had an arranged marriage and on the first day he told me that he has no issues with what I wear as long as I am comfortable. But slowly he started monitoring what I wear. He made me get rid of my red and violet lipsticks saying it attracts unwanted stares from men. He discourages me from wearing nice perfumes, letting my hair open… I feel suffocated to the T! My mother-in-law too supports him whereas she herself wears red lipstick. I spoke to him several times but he ends up scolding me every time. I want to run away. Please help.


His story:
Ever since we got married my wife and I have been fighting over the way she dresses up. Mine is a conservative family where a daughter-in-law has to follow a decorum. She wears bright and loud clothes which grabs attention so I tell her that she has to tone it down. The men in our family, I myself agree, have roaming eyes and till the time we do not move out, which I am trying, I want her to live the way all women in our house do. What is wrong with that? I end up making her cry every time we have an argument over this and I do not like it. But what else do I do? Please help because I want to make this marriage work.

AiR Atman in Ravi, Spiritual leader and Founder of AiR Institute of Realization and AiR Center of Enlightenment:

For him: I understand that you want your marriage to work. If you really want it to work and this problem cited by your wife of not being able to wear reds and other clothes of her choice is only temporary till you move out into a separate house, communicate this clearly to your wife. Tell her clearly, share your concerns with her that her clothing and styling is attracting unwanted stares from other men, rather than coercing her.

Communicate with her that you are trying to shift out to a separate house with her. The biggest problem in marriages is poor communication. You have to express your love and acceptance towards her. Where there is love and acceptance, she will be willing to sacrifice those wishes and desires temporarily, till the time she is given her own space. You can also show your affection and acceptance by encouraging her to wear clothes of her choice of colours and style in private, when not in front of your family or society, which you do not want her to face. Communicate your love, acceptance, care and concerns openly and work a way together to get out of this.


For her:
If your husband is suffocating you, you need to expressively tell him. Remember, that some marriages work and some don’t. Marriages don’t work when there is no communication and love. Affection, communication, understanding and respect are keys for a successful marriage. Marriage is not done for fun. It is a serious commitment. Once in a marriage, we must try everything possible to make the marriage work. Because if it doesn’t work out, it will end up in a divorce or a separation, both not being desirable situations. Having said that, I also want to add that everything in life is not about wearing red and violet lipsticks and fancy clothes. If the problem is wearing all that in front of the family or society for a temporary period and your husband says that you will be free to wear whatever you want to wear and however you want to live after this temporary phase of time, then take a commitment from him on how soon you will be in a new house with him and be free to wear whatever you want to wear and be who you want to be.


Nidhi Behl Vats, Founder at storyofsouls:
Well, this is a common problem with couples. The case where mostly male and his family dominates.

For her: It’s time for you to be real. Your in-laws have been their real self uptill now, as they have been dominating you. However, in the times when they say they are more modern then, you should be allowed to wear what you wish for. Please take a stand and you can wear what you wish for. The repercussions will be that they will be stricter with you, and might hinder your freedom. Or they may understand that you are like this and will slowly start accepting your real self the way you are. You can tell them politely and firmly that like wearing these clothes and since you don’t stop them from wearing what they want, then you should be allowed to do so as well.

It has to be fair. Maybe from all three ways you can pick and try one or all of them… as and when a situation arises. Don’t get disheartened. They need to be taught and you be their new teacher. If they really want you, they will eventually accept you. Else, it’s not worth it to be in a relationship which doesn’t really let you live in your skin.


For him:
Both partners need trust, that’s the main core of any relationship. Clothes are secondary. If you give her freedom, she will love you even more. She will feel even more safe with you than anyone else. And if you say that your family is conservative, why did you agree to this point in the beginning of your relationship? Secondly, when you look for a girl then you want her to be modern so that she can fit into your friend circle and society and traditional because you have a family too! This is not the right approach. Rather you should speak with your mom, and should take a stand in her support. If you really want this relationship, allow her to be herself, don’t change her, love her the way she is. Give respect to her thoughts and choices. Else, if your partner is not happy living with you, the relationship cannot work for long.

Read also:
His Story/ Her Story: “I cannot stand her male colleague whom she keeps inviting home”

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